I can feel your heartbeat.

Can you feel mine?

Went to a good friend’s 18th birthday (Happy Birthday Ted!). After the party of thirty-some people had its size reduced down to five guys, the party had really begun. Well I guess not much of a party as much as just a few good friends having a few drinks, and talking about…things. Everything.

We all lead different lives, but one element always seems constant within all these different lives, and that’s love. No matter your social status, your background, your education level, your wealth, at one point in your life, you would’ve fallen in love. Sometimes you’d pull out before you get hurt, but sometimes you’d just fall in so deeply that you would only give it all you have and pray for the best. Last night alone, four out of the five guys have some sort of trouble in regards to the one they wish to hold dear. The one left, well, he wants an Audrey Hepburn-esque woman to be his counterpart, and frankly (and I said bluntly, after a glass of malt whisky) is that there was, is and will only be one Audrey Hepburn. All witty remarks aside, as finals begin to knock on my door, I still live in October, where things are sweet and tender, and all worries seem non-existent.

I really wondered went wrong down the line, I know I did something wrong, but I don’t know WHAT I did wrong. I want to make amends, but I don’t know WHERE to start. I want to change myself, but I don’t know HOW I should. I guess I know the reasons, but I don’t know WHY it matters so much, so damn much that two people cannot be happy together. The reasons do seem absurd to me, but I tried to look at it from her perspective. I just can’t fathom a reason like that could weigh so much within our relationship.

Time is a maestro at healing wounds, but its definitely not the best at problem-solving. Ironically, the more time I take, the more “solutions” I come with in regards to my problems, but the pain doesn’t reside. Or it could be just me picking at it with a needle, forcing it to bleed. I don’t know anymore, but what I do know is that I simply can’t afford to lose her. I just can’t.

Enough babbling, I should really get working on the piles of work I have to do. Maybe I’ll revisit you a few days later, my little insane world.

Jerry

Awed.

I looked at my last post on this thing. Wow, September 2009. It seems so long ago.

Read through my old posts and smiled through them. I guess that’s why so many people enjoy keeping journals because frankly, it is fun reading through what you were like back in the days.

I have so much that I want to pour out in this thing, but oddly I don’t know where to start. I think I should put my blog code on Facebook so I could garner some attention to it, but at the same time this is like a virtual diary to me. Oh well, I’ll do the first and see how it turns out.

One thing I know for sure is that, even in my own little world, sometimes it is better to be mellow and laid-back rather than pompous and worldly. Rhapsodies have to end somewhere, might as well be now.

Jerry

Welcome to the Uni Life.

Figured that since school has started, I should start writing down some of my feelings and thoughts since the days go by way too fast for anything to really last. So I might as well leave it on paper…or my blog.

Didn’t feel much excitement at Imagine. Very honestly…I just don’t feel that I belong in Arts. People weren’t enthused, even the MUG leaders are just…having fun themselves. I found out today that I was told the wrong direction of the Swing building. Tash got all mad at me for not having spirit, but I just don’t feel like there’s any spirit. We are all very nonchalant, and are not acting. Besides the people that are overzealous about their faculty and just wanna brag about it all day long, we didn’t feel much. Sure there were the excited ones, but there were also many people that thought the whole thing was sort like a joke.

Had more arguements with Tash in the past 3 months than all the previous months altogether. I guess we are more like a normal couple now. No couples never argue, right? Guess it’s a sign that we’ve just stop riding the rainbow and going steady. It’s a good sign, I suppose.

Looking back, complaining about high school workload is now a laughable subject. It’s only the second day of school and I’m overwhelmed with the workload. I guess I’ll get use to it with practice. Didn’t feel this bewildered by workload, not even when I was studying for SATs.

Should sleep soon, oddly tired this past two days, for no good reason.

His Excellecy,

Jerry Theophany Lin.

Grad ’09.

Thank you, thank you. You’ve all been far too kind.

Five years, not too long, not too short. Have many more five years to come, but at the same time, really, how many more five years do we have in life? Things seem to go by in a blur. Prom, afterprom, grad ceremony, everything is done, and I’m officially finished with high school. I should be overjoyed and jumping up and down because I finally got out of that hellhole also known as Prince of Wales Secondary, but knowing that I would not return to that familiar setting somehow depresses me. It’s a weird feeling, like you’ve lost something permanently. I guess the uncertainty in my future plays a large part in how I feel right now. Everyone else is going somewhere, whether staying in Vancouver or going to other faraway places. I’m still stranded in between of nowhere.

So many people are leaving while many others are staying. I’ll miss many of my friends, especially those that are dear to my heart and are going to far far places. I really wish them best of luck and hope that we can keep in touch. But more likely than not, the only times we are going to see each other is during high school reunions in the far future, maybe after another five years in life.

It’s necessary to move on in life, but I guess sometimes it’s also necessary to look back and enjoy what you have gone through, and lament what you could have done better. However, most importantly, we should take those lessons and good times, and apply them in the future.

There’s many grammar mistakes and such, but I’m just writing in stream of consciousness, so damn all grammar to hell.

His Excellency,

Jerry Theophany Lin.

Sweet 16th.

It’s been 2 years since I had mine, yet it feels so different when I’m celebrating someone elses, even if that someone else is my own girlfriend. We were waiting for the bus at 41st and Granville, and my sudden realization, which I voiced, was that the place was relatively clean back in the days, which was when I was in grade 7 or 8, five to six years ago. I feel old, a bit too mature even. I’m turning 18, and when I look around me, a normal 18 year old young man should be all about fast cars and freedom, dream of a glamourous life while just relaxing and enjoying the last few weeks of high school, regardless of where he will be heading next year. I, on the other hand, am in constant worry about the present and the future. I guess the uncertainties of no concrete idea of where I am going next year bothers me greatly. I feel so empty most of the time, don’t want to do anything besides lying on my bed and think, and I don’t know what I am thinking about. Everyone seems so content and knowing, and improving themselves, while I’m always on the same spot. It’s like running on a treadmill, you think you are moving forward, but afterall you are just…there. Nowhere. I guess right now I’m just really grateful that Tash is being so supportive and loving through all this. As for my parents, well, they are just my parents, nothing more, nothing less.

Had a lot of fun today, met some quite interesting characters during dinner, and reminisced about youth through actions. Arcade brings out the kid in everyone. I miss her already.

Got a job through a curious question, I guess I am pretty lucky sometimes, but lots of times the luck’s not there when I need it the most.

Should head to bed now, tired, and many things to do tomorrow.

His Excellency,

Jerry Theophany Lin

7 Months.

Was way too tired last night to squeeze any juice out of my brain, so I’m posting right before I have to go to school, sacrificing my nap time for it xP.

Today is my 7 months anniversary. It’s an amazing feeling to have such a “long” (long for me) and stable relationship and have someone that’s I can just…be Jerry to. Not the everyday Jerry, but every side of Jerry. I love you Tash baobao.

Well, there’s a Physics test in about an hour, and I’m freaking out yet oddly calm at the same time. Can those emotions even exist at the same time? Well I feel it, and I did NOT finish my 35 page English assignment. and I still DON’T know where I’m going next year. I dislike all these uncertainties in life, I hate not being able to control the outcomes. Ugh, I never get the result I want.

More homework tonight when I come back, need to make three pages worth of notes on the Rape of Nanking. It’s a gruesome ordeal hidden within history that has just been recently discovered. And I’m still too scared to watch the damn videos because I feel like I might have nightmares or turn in to a vegetarian permanently.

Okay, need to go change and powernap for fifteen minutes, guess I’ll stop rambling on and on. And halleujah, this is my longest post so far xP.

His Excellecy,

Jerry Theophany Lin.

hijacked with consent

I love Tasha and she knows it because she’s typing it. I have to watch a chick flick with her now, since she’s a girl, and I’m her boyfriend.. and boyfriends have to watch chick flicks with their girlfriends.

Life.

Good habits are hard to keep, so despite the fact that I said that I would post often, I didn’t really. However I feel the urge today to post, so here I am, working away on my fourth measly post of my little insane world.

Went out with Tash to watch I Love You, Man today, I felt pretty grateful of what I have in life. At least I know that for my wedding I don’t need to go out and make friends on the spot just so I can have a best man. Made me laugh a lot and appreciate life a little bit more.

Still worried about university, but my awesome BaoBao said that I’ll get in UBC for sure, and since she’s already in and an expert on this stuff and because I trust her a lot (this is probably the main reason lolz), I will take her word for it and just wait patiently. Stoked about living alone though, my house just became a lot emptier and people who wish to move in are welcomed.

Had few discussions with a few friends in the past few days, life seem to be trudging by while school being more and more pointless by the minute. We are all easily irritated and not concentrated. Stupid education system, so very absurd that we have a cross grade exam on our graduation year. Which grade are we crossing to? 13? Just another failure from the system.

Summer plans, somehow when it seems so concrete, yet it also seems so…malleable. I THINK I’m going back to China, but I don’t know. But nowadays I think a lot, just don’t do as much.

His Excellecy,

Jerry Theophany Lin.

Bloody Hell.

It was a damn dumb idea to not do any homework during the long weekend, now I’m reaping what I have sowed. Doing a 5-page essay that was suppose to be completed in a month and finishing it in a day is a bloody painful business. My head throbs, but yet I still amaze myself with the words I’m squeezing out of my brain and unto this blog post.

Bed, I need my bed, now.

His Excellency,

Jerry Theophany Lin.

Might As Well Use It.

Since I had the idea of getting this whole blog thing, I might as well put it to good use. So that means, frequent posts about scraps and bits of my life, and numerous rants on life, love, and others to come.

Well, it was a decent long weekend, got some much  needed sleep, but didn’t get much, if any, homework done at all. But spending time with Tash is always just…serene and pleasing, excuse my lack of better vocabularies. That might also due to the fact I’m typing this post at 11 o’clock at night, where minds tend to not function as well as they do normally.

I’ll have more interesting things to post later on, it’s just not that fun at the moment, and facing the prospect of waking up at 7 o’clock in the morning is never pleasant. Damn leadership, it’s more like slaveship.

His Excellency,

Jerry Theophany Lin.