I can feel your heartbeat.
Can you feel mine?
Went to a good friend’s 18th birthday (Happy Birthday Ted!). After the party of thirty-some people had its size reduced down to five guys, the party had really begun. Well I guess not much of a party as much as just a few good friends having a few drinks, and talking about…things. Everything.
We all lead different lives, but one element always seems constant within all these different lives, and that’s love. No matter your social status, your background, your education level, your wealth, at one point in your life, you would’ve fallen in love. Sometimes you’d pull out before you get hurt, but sometimes you’d just fall in so deeply that you would only give it all you have and pray for the best. Last night alone, four out of the five guys have some sort of trouble in regards to the one they wish to hold dear. The one left, well, he wants an Audrey Hepburn-esque woman to be his counterpart, and frankly (and I said bluntly, after a glass of malt whisky) is that there was, is and will only be one Audrey Hepburn. All witty remarks aside, as finals begin to knock on my door, I still live in October, where things are sweet and tender, and all worries seem non-existent.
I really wondered went wrong down the line, I know I did something wrong, but I don’t know WHAT I did wrong. I want to make amends, but I don’t know WHERE to start. I want to change myself, but I don’t know HOW I should. I guess I know the reasons, but I don’t know WHY it matters so much, so damn much that two people cannot be happy together. The reasons do seem absurd to me, but I tried to look at it from her perspective. I just can’t fathom a reason like that could weigh so much within our relationship.
Time is a maestro at healing wounds, but its definitely not the best at problem-solving. Ironically, the more time I take, the more “solutions” I come with in regards to my problems, but the pain doesn’t reside. Or it could be just me picking at it with a needle, forcing it to bleed. I don’t know anymore, but what I do know is that I simply can’t afford to lose her. I just can’t.
Enough babbling, I should really get working on the piles of work I have to do. Maybe I’ll revisit you a few days later, my little insane world.
Jerry
